Sunday, May 25, 2014

Running the race and riding the roller coaster of the PICU


The last few days have pretty much just run together. The pediatric ICU is definitely the most intense roller coaster ride I've ever embarked on. Then we can take into account that this isn't a pedi ICU. It's just an ICU. There's few nurses for MANY patients, and resources are lacking. 

Friday morning, right before surgery, things happened very quickly. I had imagined this horrific emotional hand off of the baby to the OR team. But it all happened so quick that I didn't have time to remember to be anxious or to even shed a few tears. And then the surgeon popped around the corner..."you're coming into the OR with me right!?" Uh. Yeah. I guess! He had causally mentioned this the day before but I wasn't entirely sure if he was being serious or not. I decided if things started going terribly wrong I could step out if needed, so I went. 

And it was INCREDIBLE! I was quite impressed with the OR team. They really did know what they were doing. And this surgeon was the nicest guy I have ever met. He walked me through the whole procedure. Taught me more than I will probably ever learn in just a few hours, and laughed and made jokes just like every sarcastic OR team I've ever been around. I had this overwhelming peace the entire time. And then came the moment where they turned off bypass and we watched, anticipating his heart to begin to fill- and it did! No problem! The monitor went from asystole to normal sinus rhythm in seconds. It was beautiful. The hard part was over and we could all breathe again. Daniel had a hole-free, and beautifully pumping heart. Oh, how God's creation is so miraculous. 


We went from the OR straight to ICU. This is where I buckled my seat belt for the roller coaster. Nothing at six flags could top the adrenalin rushes that would ensue over the next 24 hours. 

I have been extremely blessed to be allowed to stay at his bedside 24/7 as I would like. Normally family can come visit for 1-2 hours a day. But the surgeon and ICU doctor were more than happy to let me stay at his bedside. As I said, the staff is already so stretched thin. 

The majority of the time I have sat back and just constantly watched the monitors. Paying attention to every jump, every trend, doing all the things my sweet and experienced ICU friends gave me a crash course in before coming. Most of the time he has been completely stable. But when he crashes, he crashes hard and fast! I've learned that babies have almost no reserve. He would drop his sats from 100% to 40% or even less in no more than 5 seconds. He turns this scary blue/purple color and his BP just sky rockets. This has happened probably 8 times thus far. Mostly while he was still intubated. 

Again, thanks to my friends and my hospital's NICU manager at home that sent me with an infant AMBU bag...I was able to react quickly and appropriately for the first few seconds until the staff could get to the beside. And while on the outside I was calm and would transition into nurse mode in these moments, on the inside I was crashing myself. His heart is still very fragile. We have seconds to reverse these respiratory episodes before much bigger trouble ensues. So those couple minutes of getting him back feel like an eternity. By the end of Friday I felt as though I had run multiple marathons, but in reality I hadn't physically walked even a mile. 

But this is the pedi ICU. This is what my friends say it's like. It's a hard place to work. And it's an even harder place to have a kid in. I've mentioned my cousins who's baby was diagnosed with leukemia a few years ago. Their little boy is as healthy as any 5 year old today, but boy do I remember every moment of the year he was in the hospital. I've been in this ICU for a few days and Daniel was only intubated for 24 hours, but gosh I was itching to get that tube out and just asked the doctor how much longer he thinks we will be here. My cousins did this for months!! Their baby was intubated for weeks. They were told their son wouldn't survive. Now that I have been in a teeny tiny itty bitty bit of the same shoes they walked, I look back at that year and have a whole new perspective of all that God did. His grace, His love, the endurance He provided day in and day out. I'm learning so much about our God's character through this journey and as I look back at what He has done in my life, in my family's life, in the past.  

There really is no comfort like the arms of our Father. There's no other place I desire to rest. There's no other place I can draw my strength from. And when I try to look elsewhere, I only grow more weary. 

We are two days post op and Daniel is doing well. Sleeping a lot, but when he does wake up I have to do everything in my power to keep him calm. When he starts to cry, he drops his sats and can't recover without some level of intervention at this point. 

This has been a roller coaster ride like no other. It's been the most difficult, yet rewarding adventure The Lord has ever allowed me to be part of. In a week from now I'll be on a plane back home. I haven't processed through that much though. Right now I'm merely soaking up every last moment I have left with this sweet face. 


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