No where to go but to Jesus

Life is hard. We all know this. And for each of us it is hard in different ways, and it changes from season to season. But regardless- it's hard. When you realize the true devastation of our sin, when you understand the reality of the brokenness of this world, you can't go anywhere but to your knees. That was me today. It's miserable and it hurts, but it's also a very sweet place to be in with the Lord. I am in a foreign country where I cannot communicate well. I am surrounded by very sick babies that would not be dying of what they are dying of if we were in one of the many prestigious children's hospitals back home. I see standards of care that would shut a hospital down at home in no time, but here it's all they have and all they know. I spent my day holding a baby, who I love more than anything in this world, and who's time clock is not of your average 7 month old. I hope I don't sound like I am giving up, because oh man I don't give up- ever. But I realize that a lot of stars have to line up in a precise order in a short amount of time for this baby to make it to and through his life saving heart surgery. Now it's nothing our God cannot handle, there's no doubt in my mind there. God's ability does not worry me.  

The two other babies in our room got discharged this morning. Minutes later a tiny little girl was brought into the room. Very malnourished and weighed right at 6 pounds. I noticed she had very long hair for a newborn. That was because I wasn't looking at a newborn. I was looking at an 11 month old. Yes, those numbers are what you read. 6 lbs & 11 months. She was left at the hospital. No parents. So now I am sitting in a room with two orphaned and very sick children. The night before I left I ran to kroger at almost midnight to grab pacifiers and some cheap baby toys. This was why the Lord gave me that urge. I quickly went through my bag and looked for anything I brought extra of to give to her. So all day I went between beds. My hands are so chapped from constant hand sanitizing. At one point they were both crying and I couldn't move quick enough between cribs. That's when I started crying too. So I grabbed my phone, went into iTunes, and shuffled worship music. If we were all going to be crying, we would at least be praising God while we did it. Of course though, I would then cry harder. So I sat at his bedside, he gripped my finger tight, and I got to business with the Lord. The staff doesn't come around much, so the babies and I were left alone during these few hours of just sadness, yet praise. 

I am just a whirlwind of so many feelings right now. Furious that things are not going like planned. Frustrated that medical care here is what it is. Broken by the fact that these babies don't even have parents. I really don't think I have ever been so sad before. Sure, really tough stuff has happened in my life, but there's also been some sort of horizon to look out on at some point. Today there felt like there wasn't one. Until my sweet friend, who has spent a ton more time than me doing third world, medicine sent me this… 

Also hear the Lord as He tells you that He alone has the power to save this earthly life in spite of any circumstance. He also has the wisdom and choice to take them for eternity even when everything is perfect. Just do one small thing at a time and keep telling Jesus all of your frustrations. I usually sum up my prayers into "please" "thank you" and "WTF?!" Feel free to use a lot of WTF prayers. I'm right there with you. It is always an exercise in frustration doing medicine abroad.

Those words hit my heart right where it was needed. So while I am still frustrated, upset, and even furious about some things- I have so much to be praising Jesus for. Both big and small. 

1) I am being used to love a baby who needs love.

2) I am blessed to be serving with the woman who started Casa de Amor. She is incredible. And the three times I called her in tears today, her calming voice was all I really needed in that moment. 

3) I have 3 critical care nurses back home that have been put in my life, all of which have no idea how much they are doing for me through this journey.

4) I have a God that I get to share my frustrations with. I get to yell and scream and cry, and at the end of the day know that I am still loved. 

So I am thankful. For every hard moment. Because in the end, this journey is going to refine me in so many ways. Think about the people you are closest to in your life. It's the people who have not just experienced the mountain tops with you, but they were also there for the dark valleys. When you come out of those valleys, you have a whole new relationship with one another. We serve a God that desires that same relationship with us. Today I am in a valley, and I have a God who is right here with me. I cannot wait to see what my relationship with Him looks like after this. 

Specific prayer needs: we need him to maintain his oxygen saturations above 90%. He has his moments but it's not consistent. He has lost weight since being in the hospital. And his lungs sound like junk. All of this needs to go away for surgery to take place.