Lord, keep my heart in tuned with yours

I have been home from Bolivia for a little over a week now. My heart longs to be back in there- holding that sweet baby boy. But I am here now, not there. So I am constantly praying that my mind will completely absorb every moment of everyday right here and right now. A series of events with a dear friend this weekend reminded me how precious this life is. I was reminded of how crucial it is to live every moment to the fullest- always serving and praising our Lord. I love that I have been blessed with such incredible opportunities to travel overseas. I love nothing more than getting to take my passions- Jesus & nursing- to other countries in desperate need of the two. But at the same time I am finding myself simply longing to go back or go on my next trip. In the meantime I am hoping to just get through whatever hoops I need to jump through here so I can move on to my next big trip. But the thing is that Jesus is just as much present here as He is there. The patients in my ER here or my classmates in school here, need to hear about the love and hope that the gospel brings, just as much as those thousands of miles away. So I have been diligently asking the Lord to focus my heart on today, while also preparing me for tomorrow.

I have been taking extra time to really seek out the Lord here at home. I am tired of being blinded by all my comfortable College Station life has to offer, distracting me of God's hand in EVERY single thing we do. So last week I quickly jumped back into the routine of school, work, and just everyday life. Saturday I woke up expecting nothing more or less than any other day here. But God had a different idea. I have been told hundreds of times about how God plans every second of everyday of our lives. And while I don't doubt that, I think I had convinced myself that there are chunks of time or insignificant decisions we make that God just doesn't choose to take part in. Because in my worldly and limited thought process, I imagine an uber powerful God- but one that has a lot to do! So there have got to be certain little things that He just does not concern himself with….

1) This is not Biblical thinking.
2) This is WRONG! And the Lord was sure to remind me of that this weekend. Every detail matters. He cares about it all. And His hand is in every little moment.

So Saturday. I get up and get ready to go babysit for a family that lives on the other side of my neighborhood. I have never been there before so I am irresponsibly watching the map on my phone intently as I navigate myself there. I miss my turn. "CRAP!" I mumble under my breath. So I turn a street later. Some good friends of mine live on this street that I took the wrong turn on. I look up and my heart sinks. You know that feeling of just utter helplessness and fear. It came over me so quickly when I saw ambulances and firetrucks outside my friend's house. I immediately pull into the driveway and don't even pull my keys out of the ignition before I am racing inside. My friends are married with two small children. I have no idea what could be going on behind that front door. I bust in, look to the left and see some lady I don't know holding both babies. A small amount of relief came over me. I look to the right to see paramedics in the bedroom. My friend- the mother- was found unresponsive. No one knew what was going on and her husband was at work. The medics were at a loss in that moment as to what was going on with their patient. Fortunately, I have come to know this friend of mine quite well over the last year, including knowing some of her medical history. So I turned to the medics to inform them of her diabetes, which is very well controlled, but the most probable culprit here. A few seconds later I have a paramedic confirm my worry- she was in hypoglycemic shock. While this is something that can take a diabetic's life, it is also quickly reversed when you have the right meds on hand. A few minutes later, my sweet friend was coming to. Scared to death- but she was going to be okay. Once we got her in the ambulance I was able to track down her husband at work. All I could tell him was that his wife was found unresponsive, but was now being transported. He asked me who had found her, and I realized at that point I had no idea how 911 was called, or who called them… I really didn't know much at all! So I took a deep breath and went to find the kids. The older daughter is 3 years old. But very bright for her age.

I asked her what had happened this morning. She told me mommy never woke up. The husband left for his early morning shift before the rest of the family got up. Well by noon, this little girl knew something was wrong with her mom. So she went outside the house to find help from a neighbor. The neighbor who helped was a 12 year old across the street who found it odd to see the two kids outside without their parents. So the 12 year old took the initiative to go across the street and investigate. SHE found my friend unresponsive in the bedroom, and she called 911. It was then a few minutes later that I took that oh so frustrating wrong turn that led me to their house in the midst of everything. SO…..because the Lord literally aligned every detail of that Saturday morning in such a way, my dear friend is alive and well tonight.

Later when the three of us were talking and processing the morning, we could not but be in total awe of how sovereign our God is. Of how present He is. Of how faithful He is. We talked about the scary reality of how the day likely would have ended if any more time had gone by without help. When we asked their 3 year old why she went outside, her response was…"I prayed that someone would help mommy. So God told me to go outside." So simply said, yet the most profound words I have ever heard. This innocent baby girl with incredible child like faith- the Lord used her to saved her mom's life. And she wasn't scared. She was very calm about the whole situation. In fact before I left the kids with the neighbor to go to the hospital, she gave me a big hug and told me that mommy would be okay. The 3 year old comforted me. Because that 3 year old is filled with an overwhelming amount of God's love.

A few days ago I was nostalgic about being home and back in my busy routine of everything. That was until the Lord inserted me into a situation where I would have no choice but to praise Him for His sovereignty over every detail of every moment. From a toddler recognizing her mom needed help, to going outside to find it, to the 12 year across the street taking initiative to investigate what she saw was odd, leading her to find my friend and call 911, to me taking a wrong turn, allowing me to inform medical personnel of her medical history. Every detail was woven together beautifully. My friend is okay and oh boy, was the Lord glorified.

But here is what has really hit me the last couple days since this all happened…every detail of everyday is woven together just as beautifully. But we don't take the time to realize it. We wake up, maybe remember to thank the Lord for the day, but then we continue on with our business, we get frustrated when we make wrong turns, and maybe that night we will reconvene with the Lord and process the day. Maybe. But a lot of the time that doesn't even happen for me. I am so so guilty of letting time slip by, forgetting to stay in tuned with what the Lord has planned for each moment. Sometimes though, sometimes God rocks our world. It's kinda like when you want to start over on an etch-a-sketch. You shake it with a little force and BAM…time to start over! I feel like this represents God's love for us, and His never-ending grace for us. I sinfully walk in my own ways. Hoping to just get through the here and now before I can be overseas again. But then He stops me in my tracks. He throws me into a scenario where I cannot at all deny all the goodness that He is. My etch-a-sketch of a heart was shaken clean this weekend during some very scary moments with a dear friend. As the adrenaline pumped through me, God's grace pumped even harder.

I laid down that night, realizing how distracted my heart had been just in the short week I had been home. My heart had not be in tune with my savior's because I was not fully embracing every moment. But when I realize every moment is designed by the creator of this world, there's not a second of it I want to miss out on. I want to be in such constant communication with our Father, that my every breath is taken for His glory. I cannot wait to get back to Bolivia in a few weeks, or to be done with school in a year, or to walk down the aisle one day, or to eventually hold my own baby in my arms- there are so many things in this life I look forward to; but I don't want to waste a second hoping tomorrow will get here. Because I only get to live today once. And my Father beautifully designed every part of today for His glory. It all has eternal value. All of it.

Someone so small, yet stole my heart so big

Tonight we fly home and I am not at all ready to go. However, it looks like I may be returning soon. But more on that in a minute. God has done so much in the last three days! Thursday morning I spent my time split between the ER and the ICU. There had been a horrific accident the night before. Four were killed, and our ICU patient was the only survivor. They did a craniotomy just a few hours before we arrived that morning. It was incredible to see the staff work so hard with so little resources in order to save this man's life. I love how much more I am reminded to trust the Lord here, in all things. 

That afternoon, Lexi and I went to an orphanage in town. It is an orphanage for babies called Casa de Amor. I walked into a room with 12 infants and toddlers in need of parents. Oh, it was so hard. I went to the corner of the room and picked up a little boy that looked to be maybe two months old. I began talking to one of their volunteers, Hannah, who is from the states. She went on to tell me that the baby I was holding was actually 5 months old and was abandoned about a month ago. After some time in the hospital it was discovered that he has a hole in his heart. He will not live long if he does not get the open heart surgery he needs. My heart broke for this sweet boy. I immediately began to pray about what I could do to help. If anything, I knew I could help raise the thousands and thousands of dollars that are needed before the surgery will even be preformed. I left there very sad, but not hopeless, because I do not serve a hopeless God.

Friday morning we spent a long time talking about all the Lord had done this week, and even though it was Friday, I knew God wasn't done yet. I eagerly went over to the ER to spend our few last hours working with my new friends there. We really did grow close to the staff very quickly. One of the interns, Alejandra, and I had become good friends and it was so cool to see the Lord bless our ability to communicate back and forth when caring for patients, even though we spoke different languages. It was hard to say goodbye, but there's something sweet about that in and of itself. If it were easy to leave, then I would question how much my heart had changed during my time here. 

So more on this sweet baby. This morning we got up and went back to the orphanage. I cherished every second I had with him and even learned how to change a cloth diaper! However, I'm going to stick with pampers :) I talked with Hannah in greater detail about baby D and what his future looked like. Ideally, surgery would take place in May. But there is concern over cost and the intensity of care that he will need during that time. That's when it hit me. I have 3 weeks off in May! I was potentially going to Haiti for another medical trip, but just wasn't at peace about committing until after I got home for Bolivia. This may be why. Hannah and I discussed the idea of me returning so that he could have surgery and I could provide that care he will need during that time. We both got so excited and are staying in touch to see if this is something that God is going to turn into a reality. So please be praying about this! About if I am to return. For the funds for me to return and for the baby's surgery. And especially for his health leading up to it. 

If we are being honest, what I wish more than anything is that I could adopt him. Yes, 20 year old single me- adopt him. But that is not reality right now. The reality is that there is a sick orphaned child in need of a loving mom to care for him, and if for just 3 weeks, I can help with that, then I am more than willing. So we will see what the Lord does. I have never felt love so strong for a child as I did today when rocking him to sleep. I really can't explain it. It was this intense and overwhelming feeling of, I would do anything for you- anything to save your life. I held him close, I told him I loved him, I prayed for him and I cried as I put him down. I think because of the unknown of what is next for him. But I am holding tight to the hope we are promised as children of God. Whether or not I get to return and be with this baby again is up to the Lord. But regardless, I know that he is loved and cared for. Thanks to an incredible woman name Jennifer, who obediently oversees and runs the orphanage, and because we serve a God who is for the orphaned and the widowed. A God that does not abandon His children. Even those that seem and are abandoned by this world. 

Thank you, friends and family, for your prayers and kind words as Lexi and I have served this week in Bolivia. It has been beyond incredible. Please continue to pray for the work and ministry that is done though Hospital of Hope and especially for baby D, and whatever his future holds.

Folding gauze, having conversation, & embracing the sweetness of our Father

Today was just a super sweet day. The friends we are staying with, his little sister is also here with us this week. So Lizzy joined us this morning at the hospital and then the orphanage this afternoon. She did a great job playing with kids and simply spreading joy, despite the fact she knows little Spanish. Lexi went to work in the outpatient clinic while I went over to the ER. The morning was very calm. So guess what we did?! Folded gauze. After about 30 minutes I could tell I was growing disappointed at the fact that nothing exciting was happening. I wanted to get to take care of people. But I caught myself as soon as that thought process began. It was my prayer coming into this trip that the Lord would throw all my plans away, leaving only His, so only He is glorified. And that’s what He did today. I am so thankful I quickly turned to Him in prayer as I continued folding gauze. The flesh in me did not fly across the world to fold gauze, but the Christ in me did.

I then decided I would go check on my little boy with the femur fracture who had surgery yesterday. The smile on his face when I walked in the room melted my heart. We talked a little and I could tell he was so bored. To give you some insight to our inpatient rooms- there are 3 of them. A pretty big room with lots of beds in them. No fancy pedi floor with child life specialists and games. Poor Jose was so sad to be stuck there. So we chatted a little and then I decided to go track down something for him to do. Yesterday during his surgery, I asked him if he went to church with his family, and he said no. So this is where I struggle. I can communicate with people about church and God, but my broken Spanish just doesn’t quite get the crux of the gospel across to them like I wish it did. So I have been praying a lot about that. Anyways, looking for something for Jose to do…I come across a children’s storybook Bible in Spanish. PERFECT! So I may not be able to speak the gospel myself, but I was literally able to bring it to him and in his own language. God was so faithful in that moment.

A couple patients rolled into the ER, but then I decided I better go track down Lizzy. The white girl who speaks no Spanish that I left stranded somewhere on the hospital grounds. She was playing soccer and coloring with kiddos outside. Having a great time! I joined her for a bit and struck a conversation up with our hospital security guard. We talked for maybe 15 minutes, about lots of things, but the coolest part was when we talked about the Lord- whom he does not know. Benito is such a sweet man and now a dear friend. I am in awe in God’s faithfulness when it comes to my Spanish. It’s not like at home where you can speak mostly English and they get some of what you say. There’s NO English here, which should make things impossible. But with God, all things are possible. It says this somewhere in Matthew. I have read it 100 times. I don’t think I believed it until now.

After lunch we headed to the boys orphanage again. I was so excited to cast Adrian so that my mom can make him an orthotic. It was so cool to teach all the other boys about what we were doing. I also love that they got to see us helping Adrian. The orphans have fun when people visit, but I want them to know how truly loved they are. Because of my mom, we were able to show them that well today. Isn’t it so crazy that she is bracing kids around the world without even physically being there?! If there’s a need, you can count on her fulfilling it. Always. The sweetest moment was when we were through and I got to wash Adrian’s feet. I had a bucket of dirty water, and with that I used my hands to clean the plaster off this sweet child. I never truly understood the Biblical significance of this act of service until today.

Last thing today was going on a beautiful hike with Kayla and Cameron. Holy cow I have never seen country as gorgeous as this. I have also never had such a hard time breathing, being that we are at 14,000 feet. But every step was beyond worth it. I cannot wait to post all the pictures once I am home. God has shown us His beauty in so many ways this week. This evening it was so evident through His creation. I cannot even begin to imagine the beauty of the Kingdom to come.

Tomorrow we will be at the hospital in the morning and a baby orphanage in the afternoon. Not sure how they will ever get me to leave. I have already asked and sought out how to adopt from here. Wish I were kidding.

Lord, take us where your love is needed. Where ever and whatever that means, take me there.

Orphans pointing me towards Christ

I was sure that the birth of that baby yesterday was going to be the highlight of my week, but it wasn't. Every moment has been a highlight. Each second works off of another, and the Lord's light prevails always.

This morning I started on my own in the ER. That's right, no translator de Lexi! She went to the OR for a few hours. And it worked out great. At this point the staff knows and trusts me well. I am so thankful for their patience and grace when it comes to my spanish (or lack there of). We had a busy morning, but just like work at home, the patients come in waves- so then we had some down time. During my down time at work in the ER at home, if rooms are stocked and literally not anything is to be done, I usually pinterest. Very productive. But here…we folded gauze. I almost fell over and died. The snobby American in me was shocked. We literally took giant squares of gauze material and folded it down to what is needed for patient care. What nurse has to fold her own gauze?!?! Mine comes in a little package that I open. But I loved it. I loved that I sat alongside a Bolivian doctor, had conversation about life (in spanish), and we folded gauze together. It was so simple, yet such a testament to how different things are here.

I then headed to the OR with the kid who came to the ER yesterday with the femur fracture. I decided last minute to go with him to surgery, and am SO glad I did. So this hospital has two ORs, and often just one anesthesiologist, but that does not stop them from doing two surgeries at one time. They also don't sedate their patients for surgery. None of them. I asked about at least giving drugs that put them to sleep. "Tienes versed?" Nope. They gave an 11 year old kid a spinal, and told him to lay still as they externally fixated his leg while he was wide awake. WHAT. Again, I started praying immediately. So much was going through my mind. What if the spinal wears off? What if he starts to crash? What if, what if, what if? I was a nervous wreck, until I gave that to Jesus and trusted that His presence in that room was overwhelming. I was then asked to stand at the head of the bed. The anesthesiologist needed to go help with the procedure next door. I have never watched a monitor so closely in my life. I think I cycled the kids BP every 30 seconds. Poor baby. And then they would yell at me, things in spanish, to do or to get, and by the GRACE OF GOD, I always understood. For example, holding the poor child with every ounce of strength I had while they put his femur back in place. I literally prayed against the language barrier this morning, and now I know why. The other super neat thing God did, was He gave me the ability to hold a conversation with the patient the entire time. Every question this sweet boy asked me, I understood and could answer. I know I wasn't speaking the words that came from my mouth, because I literally don't know them. That is the power of the Holy Spirit for ya.

After lunch we walked about 3 miles to an orphanage. It was an all boys orphanage with at least 50 kids ranging in ages 3-16. My heart has never sunk so quickly in my life. We came through the gates and these boys swarmed us, embraced us, and just wanted to play. So we did! Lots of futbol! They loved showing us around their home and just talking with us. Again- my ability to hold conversation is not by my own doing whatsoever. I met a little boy, Adrian. He either has cerebral palsy or had a stroke very young. His left side is very weak and he has trouble walking, running, playing in general. He is 10 years old. I looked at him and said, "My mom can help him!" So I made the oh so expensive international phone call home to tell her I would be casting and bringing home a mold for her to fit a brace on a little orphan boy in Bolivia! It's my mom, so of course she was on board. I am so excited and am praying we are able to get the custom brace back here soon. Please join us in praying for this.

As I sat there and watched Lexi play soccer with the kids, while I held an orphaned toddler in my lap, I was crying out to Jesus…"Where are you? Where is your joy in situations like this? I can't take the harsh reality of this world." And that is when the Lord responded so quickly and so clearly. "Look around, Elizabeth! There is so much joy here! Do these children look sad to you? No. I am here. So close to them, and they are loved. So love them well during the few hours you have with them." I have never heard God's voice so suddenly. I went from one feeling to another in a matter of seconds. God is right there. Just as much as He is in the home of the loving suburban Dallas family. Love and joy are not defined by what I am used to. And of course I cannot handle the harsh realities of this world. If we could, then what would be the need for the return of our Savior? Oh, how I desire each of those children to find a loving home with a mom and dad, but being in an orphanage in a third world country does not mean they are abandoned by any means. Jesus does not abandon His children, ever.

Of course there is so much problem solving and fixing ideas going through my head right now. How can I rescue all 50 of these kids? I can't. And I won't. But I will love them. And my home will forever be open to any child who needs one.

Jesus will return one day. That is where my hope is found. In Christ alone.

God's sovereignty seen in 8 lbs of beautiful life

Today was nothing short of INCREDIBLE! The morning started with the birth of a beautiful 8 pound baby girl. It was both stressful and such a blessing to witness a delivery in a third world country. I have literally never been in such constant communication with the Lord as I was in that OR today. So much of what they did, by American standards was wrong, so so much. But I am realizing how much bigger our God is than our American health care system. Don't get me wrong, I plan to be at Scott & White as oppose to an impoverished hospital when I have my babies…but can we remember for a second where the Savior of the universe was born?! I think He turned out alright. It's fun teaching the nurses random tricks that we use at home. Like marking the syringe with an arrow so mom gives the right dose of medicine to baby. I mean super simple stuff that they just have never done. But outside of those simple odds and ends, I am learning that just like I am not meant to fix problems of my world at home, I am not here to fix Bolivian medicine. It is very different, and there is lots of room for improvement. But an 8 pound, BEAUTIFUL, baby girl was brought into this world today- and despite how unconventional it was by my standards, God protected her and blessed their family with new life.

There was no pediatrician, and no newborn nursery. So baby was cleaned off by a nurse(?) and then handed over to me until they were finished with mom. Shoot, that was scary. Never had such brand new life put in my hands. I mean she had taken less than 100 respirations at this point in her life. But again- I was praying the entire time I suctioned, assessed (the best I could), and swaddled her. And we both did just fine. I have held SO many newborns in my life, but never with such dependence on the Lord. Oh, how I wish all my daily actions and encounters were so.

After mom and baby were settled, I ventured back over to the ER. Things were busy there today! Sick kids, wicked femur fracture, super strange infection something-something going on with one patient, and lots of horrific wounds. But throughout the day I just had to keep going to check on that sweet mom and baby. That baby girl blessed me more than she will ever know. Who knew someone so small could teach you so much about the power of our God.

Last thing, and then I have got to crash…but the Lord has really blessed us with overcoming the language issue. I would not survive without Lexi. She turns on the accent and sounds like a pro. But for me, the barrier is there, no doubt. But I am realizing how quickly love and kindness overcome any sort of verbal miscommunications. And today I started understanding way more than what I actually know. And I know why. Because I prayed for that, intently. And God answers our prayers. Oh, the simple truths He continues to teach me daily. But please continue to pray for us in this area of things. Right now I just observe my surroundings very closely, catch about every 5th word, throw in some spanish mixed with english medical terms, and about 95% of the time we are on the same page. It's truly amazing. God is good.

Developing countries feel more like home

Well, Lexi and I managed to traverse South America, make all four flights, and arrived in Bolivia early yesterday morning. Bouncing between American, Mexico, Panama, and two Bolivian airports was super adventurous. Literally every stop, our terminal and/or gate would be changed from the original, so we started joking that when we got off a plane we got to play "Guess That Terminal!" We had some hilarious conversations on each plane ride. It's funny because Lexi is Spanish so she speaks and understands the language pretty well. I, on the other hand, know random words, so I just throw them together and start conversation like a crazy person. Then our new hispanic friend and Lexi will exchange a few words and start cracking up laughing. The transportation system here is also a riot! We take trufis everywhere. Google what a trufi is. Every instinct in you tells you NOT to get into a vehicle such as that. But here, we pack about 18 people into one and off you go! For about half of 1 USD, you reach your destination. It's super fun!

Early yesterday morning we were greeted by my dear friend, Kayla Cook. Kayla was a counselor of mine years ago at Sky Ranch. She and her husband are here in Bolivia teaching at an international Christian school for 10 months. So we are staying with them, and traveling to the local hospital each day to work. Yesterday, Kayla turned to me and asked, "Does it feel so weird to be in a foreign country? To be in Bolivia?" And my response was a quick no. It doesn't feel weird. Not even a little bit. It feels so right. I told Kayla that developing countries honestly feel more like home than the states does now. I don't speak the language well (not at all in Cambodia!), I don't look like the people, I don't know cultural norms, yet I feel at home. How can that be? The answer is obvious. The Lord is transforming my heart in big ways. He is teaching me that my comfort, my normal, my preferences do not matter, and do not define home. There's that saying, that "Home is where the heart is," and I don't at all disagree with that. If my heart is founded in the Lord, then anywhere He sends me is home. 

I have never been one to love crowds or busy cities. But I am beginning to love them. Why? My friend Megan Pieper put it this way…if we are made in the image of God, then more people means more image of God per square foot. SO TRUE! I still wouldn't naturally choose to live in a crowded, dirty city of an underdeveloped country, but that's the thing about choices. Submission to Christ means setting down the choices we have, in order to go and do. If Jesus had the choice, saving humanity probably would not have been done so through an awful death on a cross. But Jesus loved His father more than He valued His choices, so He went. 

That's why both poverty stricken Cambodia and Bolivia feel like home. Because for once, I set down my wants and concerns, to chase after an opportunity to be Jesus to others. Home is meant to be a place where love is endlessly exchanged amongst family members. Where parents give 18 years minimum of their lives to raise their kids. It's where laughter is shared, and even tears are shed. But it's all done so because of love. And it's all because of the one who is love- Jesus. 

What if our world operated this way? What if love, if Jesus, was the central theme and core foundation for all that we did. When I am on trips like these, that's the case for me, the majority of the time. I am not perfect by any means. But when I am on the other side of the world, caring for people, Jesus is never far from my mind and my heart feels so full. But when I am "home"- He is easily forgotten. I quickly resort back to my self centered, anxious driven self. I want to figure out how to be the person I am here at home too. And I know the answer. It's the power of the Holy Spirit. Here I am so weak- back to not knowing the language, culture, transportation system, ect- that I literally have to rely on the Spirit for every move I make and for every patient encounter. But at home I know too much. So pride takes over real quick. 

This afternoon we worked in the Emergency Room at the hospital. It has 3 beds. And very few supplies. The hospital has a total of about 20 beds, including an ICU, and an OR. Tomorrow morning we are scrubbing in on a C-section, so super pumped for that! The hospital staff is great. But things are definitely different. They were confused when I asked about the concept of a sterile field. The staff is spanish speaking only, so they think I am hilarious with my attempt to speak it. For example today I attempted to say, "I am hungry" but said, "I have a man." Then I asked a mom how many months her baby was, but I really said, "How many tables is your baby?" So I am definitely bringing entertainment to the Bolivian community! Please continue praying for Lexi and I, as we travel and work. Pray that all we do is Kingdom building, and that we keep an eternal mindset when serving the Lord. Much love from Bolivia! 

Lord, don't let my need to understand distract me from your presence

So much has happened in so little time. But that time has seem to drug on….and on….and on. When I was discharged from the hospital I was discharged with very few answers. Lots was ruled out, not much was found. I have bounced between doctors. Each specialist having their own ideas, running their own battery of tests. The theme of what I tell people when they ask what we have found out is, "We should know more in a few days…." And that has really worn me down. And as the days have drug on, with no answers, my trip to Bolivia got closer and closer. I was losing weight, not keeping food down, and am about to leave the country. Awesome.

The other day I was on the phone with a nurse and just lost it. Broke down in middle of the hallway at school. Yelling at this poor girl on the other end of the line who is not to blame for anything, but I was taking it all out on her. A few minutes later, a sweet friend texted me to tell me she had been praying for me. Oh, God is so faithful. So I took a deep breath and realized that my need to understand has been distracting me from the presence of God. And when I am distracted from His presence, I begin to walk in my will and not His, I grow tired and frustrated merely because I am attempting to rely on my own strength and not the strength of our Saviors. I am weak, and that's okay. Actually that's good. Because when I am weak, He is strong.

As my attitude slowly started shifting, an overwhelming peace came with it. I wish when things got tough, it didn't take so long for me to realize I simply need to turn to Jesus. Actually, I pray that I reach a point in my walk with the Lord that I no longer have to run to Him, because I am already there. God's grace is so sweet. And I am so undeserving. But in such an utter need of it. Always.

So last weekend I started feeling quite a bit better. And in the last few days, we have made much forward progress. Today, I started treatment for a parasitic infection. So the running joke is what will I come home with from Bolivia! Just kidding. Better be nothing.

Lexi and I packed tonight! We are leaving in 3 days! So crazy! I really have no idea what this trip is going to look like. But I am praying that God destroys any plans or expectations I am bringing to the table. I simply want to serve Him. Whatever that means or looks like, I don't care. I just want a week overwhelmed with being Jesus to others. I am so excited to work in hospital alongside Bolivians who know the Lord. I am excited to share this experience with my best friend. The Lord is so generous to provide such an opportunity for us. A week ago I really did not think I would be healthy enough to get on a plane to a third world country. I have been so desperately trying to understand and search for answers, that I have been distracted from the Lord's presence and the peace that He innately is. We are not called to figure out why things happen the way they do. We are called to love people and love God. I tend to get so caught up in trying to solve problems, fix issues, and understand questions- that loving people and loving God gets put on the back burner. Oh my, am I thankful for His grace.

A part of me feels like I have lost time to make up since this semester started. My ministry with girls I disciple has not been as rich. I have definitely spent less time in the word. But then He reminds me, "Come to me AS YOU ARE!" He wants my broken and hurting self in the current state that I am in. There's nothing I have to do. No expectations. God just wants me. And when I give myself to Him, I have nothing to worry about. My only concern is loving others and loving Him. I should desire nothing more and nothing less.

Please be praying for Lexi and I as we prepare to leave in a few days. Please pray for our parents. They are excited for us, but still nervous. I hope to update as we are there. Bolivia, here we come!!