For two weeks I was completely emerged into an entirely different culture. Different language. Different food. Different transportation. Different health care. The list goes on and on. I have been home about 10 days now, and everyday the fire ignited in me to return grows deeper and deeper. I sat down with a sweet friend last night. She's a little older, a lot wiser, went through my same nursing program, and then spent 9 months total in Haiti as a PICU nurse. For a little over an hour we shared our hearts over the struggle of the transition from there to here.
It's funny, now that I am back in my pristine hospital, with squeaky clean floors and sterile fields, I see things that I have never seen before. It's all just so different. There's a part of me that misses the simplicity of how we did things in Cambodia. But there's a much bigger part of me that is so grateful for the level of healthcare we have here. I'm struggling though. I look at a vent here and think, I didn't even see a nasal canula there. I see a patient come in on a backboard with a nice snug collar and think, we had to stabilize a neck with towels and a femur fracture with bamboo. What. The. Heck.
There is however one HUGE consistency between here and the 3rd world however, and His name is...
Jesus
There's something so much sweeter about the sound of His name on my lips now. I wish it didn't take seeing an entire country living in a state of horrific poverty, in order to humble me like I have been humbled. I wish my nature was humble. But it's not. It's sinful. So so so sinful. Which is why I am so thankful for this one consistency I have identified between here and Cambodia. Because no matter the external circumstances of a country, or the internal crisis of our hearts, Jesus is still the same. He is still LOVE. And it's because of that one truth, that I can look at a country like Cambodia, and believe in the sovereignty of our God. It's because of that one truth, that I will continue to pray that my heart be turned from this world and towards His. It's that one truth that will continue to fuel this desire in me to go go go. I will go, until He calls me to stay.
It's funny. I've always had it all figured out. My life plan I mean. But my plans are slowly fading away, and nothing in me is wanting to cling to them. I was asked by a professor where I planned to go when I graduate in due time. I chuckled. For the first time in my life, I said, "I don't know." For those that know me well, you realize the weight of these words. Yes, I have options in front of me. Some I am actively pursuing, others not. But the difference is, I am holding onto each of them so lightly, that if the Lord say's let go, I won't think twice about it. I met with a sweet nurse from the pedi trauma/ICU floor at Children's in Dallas. We discussed the very real reality of me being on that floor in not so long from now. That is literally my dream job. But if He say's let go, I will let go.
This new mindset is so freeing. There's no anxiety. There's simply trust in the one who created every part of me. The one who planned my days long before I came to be. But it takes discipline to stay in this place, and I'm new here. A place where I outwardly admit I do not need control, is unfamiliar territory to me. But it's beautiful. It's beautiful because it reflects the way of life that that ONE consistency, between the 1st world and the 3rd world, calls us to live. And on the days that I struggle, I run to that ONE consistency. Our God is steadfast, unwavering, faithful. Our God is consistent, no matter the country, the circumstance, the season. I pray my heart be filled with the same consistent love.
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