So much has happened in so little time. But that time has seem to drug on….and on….and on. When I was discharged from the hospital I was discharged with very few answers. Lots was ruled out, not much was found. I have bounced between doctors. Each specialist having their own ideas, running their own battery of tests. The theme of what I tell people when they ask what we have found out is, "We should know more in a few days…." And that has really worn me down. And as the days have drug on, with no answers, my trip to Bolivia got closer and closer. I was losing weight, not keeping food down, and am about to leave the country. Awesome.
The other day I was on the phone with a nurse and just lost it. Broke down in middle of the hallway at school. Yelling at this poor girl on the other end of the line who is not to blame for anything, but I was taking it all out on her. A few minutes later, a sweet friend texted me to tell me she had been praying for me. Oh, God is so faithful. So I took a deep breath and realized that my need to understand has been distracting me from the presence of God. And when I am distracted from His presence, I begin to walk in my will and not His, I grow tired and frustrated merely because I am attempting to rely on my own strength and not the strength of our Saviors. I am weak, and that's okay. Actually that's good. Because when I am weak, He is strong.
As my attitude slowly started shifting, an overwhelming peace came with it. I wish when things got tough, it didn't take so long for me to realize I simply need to turn to Jesus. Actually, I pray that I reach a point in my walk with the Lord that I no longer have to run to Him, because I am already there. God's grace is so sweet. And I am so undeserving. But in such an utter need of it. Always.
So last weekend I started feeling quite a bit better. And in the last few days, we have made much forward progress. Today, I started treatment for a parasitic infection. So the running joke is what will I come home with from Bolivia! Just kidding. Better be nothing.
Lexi and I packed tonight! We are leaving in 3 days! So crazy! I really have no idea what this trip is going to look like. But I am praying that God destroys any plans or expectations I am bringing to the table. I simply want to serve Him. Whatever that means or looks like, I don't care. I just want a week overwhelmed with being Jesus to others. I am so excited to work in hospital alongside Bolivians who know the Lord. I am excited to share this experience with my best friend. The Lord is so generous to provide such an opportunity for us. A week ago I really did not think I would be healthy enough to get on a plane to a third world country. I have been so desperately trying to understand and search for answers, that I have been distracted from the Lord's presence and the peace that He innately is. We are not called to figure out why things happen the way they do. We are called to love people and love God. I tend to get so caught up in trying to solve problems, fix issues, and understand questions- that loving people and loving God gets put on the back burner. Oh my, am I thankful for His grace.
A part of me feels like I have lost time to make up since this semester started. My ministry with girls I disciple has not been as rich. I have definitely spent less time in the word. But then He reminds me, "Come to me AS YOU ARE!" He wants my broken and hurting self in the current state that I am in. There's nothing I have to do. No expectations. God just wants me. And when I give myself to Him, I have nothing to worry about. My only concern is loving others and loving Him. I should desire nothing more and nothing less.
Please be praying for Lexi and I as we prepare to leave in a few days. Please pray for our parents. They are excited for us, but still nervous. I hope to update as we are there. Bolivia, here we come!!
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