Ruin Me

Ruin Me (Jeff Johnson Band)

Woe to me, I am unclean

A sinner found in your presence

I see you seated on your throne

Exalted, your glory surrounds you

Now the plans that I have made

Fail to compare when I see your glory

Ruin my life, the plans that I made

Ruin desires for my own selfish gain

Destroy the idols that have taken your place

Til it's you alone I live for

You alone I live for 

Woe to me, I am unclean

A sinner found in your presence

I see you seated on your throne

Exalted, your glory surrounds you

Now the plans that I have made

Fail to compare when I see your glory

Ruin my life, the plans that I made

Ruin desires for my own selfish gain

Destroy the idols that have taken your place

Til it's you alone I live for

You alone I live for 

Holy, holy is the Lord almighty

Holy is the Lord

yeah

Holy, holy is the Lord almighty

Holy is the Lord

Ruin my life, the plans that I made

Ruin desires for my own selfish gain

Destroy the idols that have taken your place

Til it's you alone I live for

You alone I live for

This song is the anthem of my life. I remember the first time I heard it. An atomic bomb of tears went off inside me. Standing there, worshiping my Savior, realizing I had so many plans that I had made. I'm a planner. I have been that way since I was born. And the Lord created that within me...He designed the type A crazed personality that I am, but not for my gain, but for His glory. 

I have attempted to be a blogger a handful of times in the past. It never really works out. But I am weeks away from one of the greatest adventures of my life. CAMBODIA. So I am hoping to be diligent in keeping up with what the Lord is doing on this site. We'll see. The Lord is about to revolutionize all that I know to be true about Him and this life. I am about to go into jungles, where children meet death far earlier than we in the states would ever accept to be okay. Right now I work in a hospital that opened 4 months ago. It's pristine. With all the newest and cleanest equipment you could imagine. There are chandeliers hanging in our lobby. (WHAT?!) Yep. But all that I have known for the last 20 years of my short life is about to be thrown to the wayside. I am about to truly understand what the weight of eternity has, as I walk into a country that has little hope and not much to cling to. 

This new fire in me for medical missions is a somewhat recent thing. Something that my eyes started to open up to when I began praying the lyrics of that song above. I have a little less than a year and a half before I graduate and am an RN (Real Nurse). That's nuts, but so exhilarating! If you asked me just a few months ago what my plans were, I could lay them out just perfectly for you...."Oh what do I want to do when I graduate? Well I'm definitely a pediatric nurse, and I LOVE trauma and critical care...so that will put me at a children's hospital in Dallas, Ft. Worth, or maybe even Houston or Austin. I have already looked into the new grad internships at every pedi hospital in the state of Texas. I'm not worried." Yep. Real life. Had it figured out. I wonder what goes through God's head when I lay MY plans out to people who ask. I feel like He sits there, arms crossed, maybe even rolling His eyes..."She doesn't even know what is in store. Oh the day that she lets go and lets ME direct her." I'm just going to stop right here and praise Him for His PATIENCE, GRACE, and LOVE. 

So what's been happening these last few months in my heart? A lot. Learning a lot about sacrificial love. Actually, isn't that what love is...sacrificial. There's no other kind outside of what the world tries to portray love as. So let's try that again... I have been learning a lot about LOVE. It was my senior year of high school that Jesus really started to mold my selfish heart into one that looked more like His. I owe a lot of this progress to the ministry He brought into my life at that time, YoungLives. It's a ministry for teen moms, and it has changed me from the inside out. I also served with them my first two years of college. My world revolved around these girls and their children. Our mission was to simply live life with them. They are walking with the world, we are walking with Jesus. When we step in and grab hands with these girls, they begin to see a whole new way of life. JESUS. Gosh, God taught me so much through that ministry. He taught me how to love. Heck, I had custody of a baby for a few weeks while things were figured out with his family. SACRIFICIAL LOVE. 

So...the sanctification and the edification of my sinful self continues. As it will until the day I wake up in the land of Glory. But in the last few months, my heart is being pulled in a whole new direction. A direction that I have never had any interest of. A direction that was NOT a part of my plans. 

MISSIONS

Obediently, I am beginning to say okay. But I am hard headed, so the Lord knows it will always be a process for me to change directions. But the first big move is in just a few weeks. Dec 25-Jan 7...overseas I go. My mom and I are headed to Cambodia. Taking care of people in the jungle. No electricity. No running water. No english. No modern medicine. Just the power of Jesus and a group of 40 medical professionals. When you are brought to a place where there is no choice but to lean on the Lord for your strength, is when you are the strongest. 

Pray for us. Please! Pray for our entire group. For the eternal weight of what we are doing to be felt every minute we are treating patients. Pray that my heart is prepared to face extreme hurt, as I know there will be children we send home to die. There is only so much a tent clinic in the jungle can do. That seems awful to even say or think, but it's true. Pray that the Lord will continue to ruin the plans I have made.