The other side of healthcare

Today I am in a hospital bed. Three weeks from today I will be on a plane to Bolivia for another medical mission trip. To say this week has been filled with some anxiety is an understatement.

About a month ago I started having some consistent abdominal pain that would be coupled with nausea and vomiting. Nurses are stereotyped as being the worst patients. I hold to that stereotype well. I put it off and put it off and put it off. Until last week I had had enough. Saw my PCP, got some meds that did not help whatsoever, and by Monday was hospitalized. Abdominal pain is just about the worst chief complaint out there. It's SO vague. There's about 57547956293 different possibilities of what could be going on. So that's what this last week has been. Test after test. Poke after poke. Even a night in ICU when I had an anesthesia-gone-wrong episode. It's been a hell of a week. But the Lord has been sweet.

I have learned a lot about being a nurse. There's a huge difference in the nurse that checks on me every hour, even when I don't need anything, and the one who I only see when I call. The one I never see may be smarter and/or more experienced, but the one who walks in with a smile regularly is my favorite- she's the kind of nurse I want to be. ALWAYS.

Then there's been the overwhelming outpouring of love and support from friends, school faculty, family, and coworkers. I can't go a few minutes without my phone going off from one of the above individuals, wondering how I'm doing, and every time it's sweet reminder of God's love. He has showered me with love this week. My room is filled with balloons, flowers, and teddy bears. I don't deserve any of it. But it's been so sweet to see how faithful the Lord is in how He uses those around us to care for us. So again to each of you that have reached out in any way whatsoever- THANK YOU.

But regardless of how positive or upbeat I sound, there have been some serious moments of weakness this week. When I woke up in ICU, I was not happy. When my IV got changed for the SIXTH time, I was not happy. When lab has had to come in and poke me at least 3 times each day, I was not happy. I could continue, but I'll spare you. Last night a sweet friend of mine, Rebecca came. I was so glad she did. Last night was the hardest night I've had. She asked me with the most sincere voice, "What can I do for you, Elizabeth?" I pondered for a moment and realized I really wanted my Bible. I gave her terrible directions down to the staff lot, where she wondered around, and returned with my Bible from my car. Oh, I was so thankful.

This morning the hospitalist (the doctor in charge of your overall care while in the hospital) came by to say that he really still isn't sure what's going on. I was so upset. A week in the hospital. I have missed class, clinical, called into work downstairs in the ER twice- and you don't know what's going on?!?! I didn't respond well. I am currently waiting for the GI doc to round. We have one probable diagnosis at hand. But nothing with solid ground to stand on.

In that moment I turned to my Bible that was sitting next to me. I needed some time with Jesus. I have been reading the book of Acts slowly over the last few months. If you haven't read it, I highly suggest it. To read all that Paul went through just to proclaim the name of Jesus is unbelievable. The book ends with, "He lived there two whole years at his own expense, and welcomed all who came to him, proclaiming the kingdom of God and teaching about the Lord Jesus Christ with all boldness and without hindrance."-- That hit me. Hard. He lived in a place that hated everything about him, but he didn't care. And not only did he not care, he still shared the gospel with all boldness and without hindrance. I stopped right there and asked Jesus to realign my heart. This week has not been about me. A potential diagnosis or going home with or without answers is not about me. It's about Him and His Kingdom. No matter what my day brings- be it a typical day at home or a miserable day in the hospital, if His name is proclaimed it's a day to be praised. Oh, how I pray that I look at each day with an eternal perspective and not one that revolves around my own wants and comforts.

I am praying with everything in me that I get discharged today. But if I don't, it's okay. Please be praying for my roommate, Lexi, and I as we hunker down these next couple weeks preparing for this trip to Bolivia. Pray that no matter what is placed before us, that we share the gospel with all boldness and without hindrance. Thank you thank you thank you for the prayers this week. It's been a long one. But a week of being forced to be still probably wasn't a bad thing for me at all.

The transition, 3rd world to 1st world

For two weeks I was completely emerged into an entirely different culture. Different language. Different food. Different transportation. Different health care. The list goes on and on. I have been home about 10 days now, and everyday the fire ignited in me to return grows deeper and deeper. I sat down with a sweet friend last night. She's a little older, a lot wiser, went through my same nursing program, and then spent 9 months total in Haiti as a PICU nurse. For a little over an hour we shared our  hearts over the struggle of the transition from there to here.

It's funny, now that I am back in my pristine hospital, with squeaky clean floors and sterile fields, I see things that I have never seen before. It's all just so different. There's a part of me that misses the simplicity of how we did things in Cambodia. But there's a much bigger part of me that is so grateful for the level of healthcare we have here. I'm struggling though. I look at a vent here and think, I didn't even see a nasal canula there. I see a patient come in on a backboard with a nice snug collar and think, we had to stabilize a neck with towels and a femur fracture with bamboo. What. The. Heck.

There is however one HUGE consistency between here and the 3rd world however, and His name is...

Jesus

There's something so much sweeter about the sound of His name on my lips now. I wish it didn't take seeing an entire country living in a state of horrific poverty, in order to humble me like I have been humbled. I wish my nature was humble. But it's not. It's sinful. So so so sinful. Which is why I am so thankful for this one consistency I have identified between here and Cambodia. Because no matter the external circumstances of a country, or the internal crisis of our hearts, Jesus is still the same. He is still LOVE. And it's because of that one truth, that I can look at a country like Cambodia, and believe in the sovereignty of our God. It's because of that one truth, that I will continue to pray that my heart be turned from this world and towards His. It's that one truth that will continue to fuel this desire in me to go go go. I will go, until He calls me to stay. 

It's funny. I've always had it all figured out. My life plan I mean. But my plans are slowly fading away, and nothing in me is wanting to cling to them. I was asked by a professor where I planned to go when I graduate in due time. I chuckled. For the first time in my life, I said, "I don't know." For those that know me well, you realize the weight of these words. Yes, I have options in front of me. Some I am actively pursuing, others not. But the difference is, I am holding onto each of them so lightly, that if the Lord say's let go, I won't think twice about it. I met with a sweet nurse from the pedi trauma/ICU floor at Children's in Dallas. We discussed the very real reality of me being on that floor in not so long from now. That is literally my dream job. But if He say's let go, I will let go. 

This new mindset is so freeing. There's no anxiety. There's simply trust in the one who created every part of me. The one who planned my days long before I came to be. But it takes discipline to stay in this place, and I'm new here. A place where I outwardly admit I do not need control, is unfamiliar territory to me. But it's beautiful. It's beautiful because it reflects the way of life that that ONE consistency, between the 1st world and the 3rd world, calls us to live. And on the days that I struggle, I run to that ONE consistency. Our God is steadfast, unwavering, faithful. Our God is consistent, no matter the country, the circumstance, the season. I pray my heart be filled with the same consistent love. 

America's ignorance

HOME! Well almost. Camping out in the LA airport for a few hours. Yesterday we spent the afternoon wondering around and getting lost in Seol, South Korea. Now I'm sitting here in California with thousands of people around me. Each one with their own story. But only a few that can even begin to comprehend the struggle of the other side of the world. 

After two weeks of being in a third world country, I've reached the conclusion that America is just plain ignorant. Not on purpose necessarily, but we just are. Our country has no idea what poor is, what hungry is, what begging is. Yes there is poor here, even poverty. But there's also opportunity. In Cambodia there are boxes serving as homes. There's children that come and grab your arm, point to your water bottle, and ask for a drink. There's women on the streets selling their bodies just so that they won't starve to death. 

I got off the plane here in the states and saw a precious chubby little baby. I didn't see a single chubby baby in Cambodia. I look around now and see things I've never actually seen before. The Lord has truly opened my eyes. You don't know what you don't know. 

I've never appreciated the little amenities of this world until this trip. But not only now do I appreciate these things, I realize the fact that nothing in this world is needed but Jesus. The few Cambodians I met that were believers, even being dirt poor, were far richer than any American I know. 

We are called to love God and love people. My heart has been broken and burdened for a group of people 6,000 miles away from here. A few minutes ago, an airport employee here in LA stopped me and asked if I had just come from Cambodia due to my tshirt. I told her yes and she asked about why I was there. She proceeded to tell me she was from Cambodia and came over after her family was killed by the Khemer Rouge. She couldn't stop thanking me for helping her people. It's so cool when God validates our work and encourages us in these ways. 

So I'm home. Back to school in a few days. But man I pray I don't live another day without the changes that have been made in my heart in these short two weeks. If I were to sum up the biggest thing God has taught me is that NOTHING matters but Jesus. 

Forever grateful to my friends and family that provided the support and offered the prayers that made this trip possible. Today, I'm back in America, but my heart is forever in Southeast Asia. 

It's all for His glory

Today we spent all day touring Siem Reap and Angkorwat. It was incredible. Lots to see here! We rode elephants, walked around temples, shopped, and partied downtown tonight. Get a bunch of nurses and docs together that haven't seen true civilization in two weeks, and we make for a fun night! 

The community on this team is amazing. 75 strangers came together to put on two weeks of clinic in a foreign country. No matter where we went, we were doing great work. Whether we were at the scene of a traumatic accident, in clinic, or touring the city...this team was truly impacting lives, and all the glory belongs to the big guy upstairs. I've made life long friendships in the last couple weeks, and for that I'm so grateful. 

I also want to take a second to really brag on this culture. Their genuine kindness, honesty, and gratitude is always so evident. A couple of examples from just today- our tour van stopped off to at a bathroom. I go in to find a lady collapsing on the ground in front of me. Naturally, we do our nursing thing and help her. But oh man, when we were leaving, the Cambodians could not stop thanking us!! And it was the same way at the accident last week. I'm just amazed at the natural goodness in these people. I love it when it's reassured in me that we are truly made in the image of God. The second thing that happened today was when I set my phone down while shopping in a busy market. I walked away from it to another shop. The young Cambodian girl (probably living off less than a dollar a day) came running after me to return my phone! Do you know how much money that would have made her had she kept it?! I was in shock. I just love these people. So so much. 

And because I love these people so much, my heart was also breaking for theme as I walked around the ancient Buddhist temples. There's so much false worship and idolatry here. These people have been seeking truth for thousands of years. This is a group severely unreached by the gospel. As Christians we are called to reach out to the unreached. I'll be returning to Cambodia soon. 

Tomorrow is officially our last day in Cambodia. Tuesday we'll be in South Korea, and then home Tuesday night. So many mixed emotions about home. Don't even know where to begin. So thankful for what I have. A house with walls, a roof, and flooring. I have food and clean water. Not sure I've ever been actively thankful for these things. It's not until you're in a place where these things are few and far between, that we realize how blessed we are. It's not fair. Not at all. These sweet babies deserve more. Thankful that Jesus is all the more they need. I pray there is a day they all come to know Him. 

The orphaned and the widowed

In the last week I have seen more hurt and heartache than ever in my life. Today's agenda included an orphanage, I wasn't sure if I could take anymore despair at this point. 

We got up and traveled 7 hours by boat to Siem Reap. Actually not sure I'd call it a boat. More like a submarine where you could sit up on the roof. It was nuts. But fun! 

We left straight for the orphanage once we got here. I was excited but emotionally exhausted. I wasn't at all expecting what I pulled up to. There were kids everywhere, playing and running and laughing. The other half of our team arrived about 30 minutes before we did. Today was the most light hearted clinic we've had. It was just what my heart needed, and The Lord knew it. It felt more like a carnival than a clinic. We had face painting, balloons, games, soccer, and fairly HEALTHY kids! 

An orphanage in a third world country is where the most joy has been found thus far on the trip. If this doesn't prove the power of God's love despite the circumstances of this world, I don't know what does. We had such a good time today. 

God has been so faithful in providing us the strength and endurance for this trip. There were many times that we were taking one breathe after another, just praying we would get through the current moment. But then there were days like today, when we simply play, and laugh, and love. 

Thankful for not a God of statistics or expectations, but for a God oflove

The numbers of kids that die here is not even fathomable. And I've seen and held many that will fall under the horrific statistics this developing country currently holds. I am just plain tired of holding a sick baby, listening to crappy lung sounds, assessing their swollen and distended bellies, then consulting with one of our docs to discuss that we just can't do much.

I posted a picture earlier of a little boy I saw today, Sernic. He's so sick. Maybe measles. Definitely malnourished. If nothing changes at home, if the antibiotics our doctor gave him don't kick the pneumonia- he will die. Oh how I just held that baby and treasured every moment with him. We are working with a local church, I begged and pleaded they get contact info from his mother to follow up in a few days. 

Children shouldn't have to live this way. I just can't stand it. And it's just torture to assess them, figure out what's probably going on, and then knowing there's nothing that can be done here, but something that could be done at home. My heart is struggling today. I cried when I let that sweet boy out of my arms. And he's only one of many that we know probably won't make it with the current state of living here. Our patients seem to be sicker each day. Today was just a hard day. 

But the thing is, is that this is just a current state of living- it's NOT a forever state of living. And that's where my hope lies. For 7 days now I've been all across this country seeing patients with all sorts of illness all living in horrific depravity. But with every slum we drive past, or every sick baby I hold, I whisper to myself, "This is not the end. God is good. God is so so good." If I don't tell myself this consistently throughout the day, I will lose it. Waving goodbye to Sernic today, I almost lost it. 

This trip is wrapping up. I'm tired. No, I'm exhausted. Even a little sick. But nothing in me desires the comfort of the states. I want to stay. I want to keep loving this amazing culture. I want to hug more babies. I want these people to know Jesus. In fact, I get sick to my stomach thinking I am coming home in a few days, back to my granite counter tops and 55 inch TV. Just sickening. And so humbling. My heart is torn in so many directions tonight. But each day I attain a greater understanding of the weight of God's grace. 

GOD IS GOOD. 

CRAAAAZY day in the jungle

Today we were back in clinic after having yesterday off to rest and travel. We hit the road at 6:30 this morning for clinic, for what turned out to be a very exciting day. On the way there, my friend Katie and I commented that we felt like we were in scenes of Forrest Gump when they are in the Vietnam War. We were literally in the jungle today! 

So we started off the morning eating breakfast at the senator of Cambodia's huge house on the beach. Below is a pic of our view (I do promise I'm on a mission trip! Ha!) It was a super great way to start the day. We then made it to the clinic, which today wasn't a run down building- so that was a huge blessing! We walked in the door and we already had a very sick baby on our hands. The day got rolling VERY quickly. We then had a patient walk in, in acute renal failure. Then a possible stroke in the middle of a dental procedure. Then a seizure in the outdoor waiting area. Then some malaria, parasites, Rickett's disease, and a wicked abscess. ALL BEFORE LUNCH! But don't worry, things did not slow down. After lunch we had a major facial trauma...mo-ped vs cow. The cow won. Then a little girl with a locked jaw having an asthma attack....try getting a foreign 6 year old to use an inhaler in the first place, much less one that can't open her mouth!! So pretty much, today was just one challenge after another. And this community is definitely the sickest we have seen. I kinda hate that I'm a pro at calculating parasite meds for pedi patients at this point. All of what we see here is so unheard of back home, or at least super treatable. 

It experiences like this that make you really realize the brokenness of this world, and the beauty of God's grace. Oh how much I rejoice in the fact that this is not it. There's hope for these people beyond their current and horrific situations. And for that I cannot stop praising the name of Jesus.